Wednesday, December 11, 2013

A Missionary's Prayer

Many times, we wear masks in church. Inwardly hurting, outwardly smiling, Not admitting our seasons in the desert, our days without prayer or Bible Study. Sometimes condemning and snubbing those who admit their struggles.

But we do struggle. All of us. Whether from the sin of pride or pornography. Whether from the sin of alcoholism or arrogance. Whether from the sin of serving gods or speaking gossip.

My emotions I feel range high and low. This is my prayer, poured out to God, to sort out what I am feeling. This is a raw, unfiltered prayer, showing my hurts, doubts, and confusion as I work out my faith & my emotions. May this be a help to you.

A blank page.
An empty mind.
What do I even feel?
Why do I feel this way?
Are my expectations too high?
Are my rests too brief?
Am I not meant to be here?
Am I under spiritual attack?
Should I even teach?
What should I be?
Why do I have an identity crisis?
Am I useful?
Am I helpful?
God, I'm serving You; why do I feel this way?
What do I do when I have these feelings?
Is this a season of testing?
Must I be refined?
I want to be joyful, peaceful, and near You.
Why do I feel empty and blank?
I can't trust my emotions-rolling from HIGH to low and back.
Same day, same hour, I'm on the mountain and in the valley.
Too fickle to follow, these emotions.
Are You teaching me to be still?
Are You teaching me the cost of following You?
Are You teaching me to have a faith deeper than emotions?
Are You teaching me to hear Your voice by silencing the dross?
I will follow You, even if my feelings are absent.
I will follow You, even if I don't feel like it.
I will follow You, even if I need to leave my favorite things.
I will follow You, because nothing, no one else is worth following.
When I need parented and raised, You are my Father.
When I need peace, You are my Prince.
When I need comfort, You are my Comforter.
Father, Son, Holy Spirit, You are my lifewaters.
You are the source.
Thank You for listening.
I feel better.

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